Paul Zacharia
Author’s Note
This chapter from my novel A Secret History of Compassion was one of the few dropped to keep the published length under control – my editor and I in full agreement.
The context is:
Lord Spider, a writer of popular fiction, has difficulties with writing a deadlined Essay, the first non-fiction of his career. He ropes in an an executioner, JL Pillai, his fan and a man of literary and intellectual prowess, as his collaborator. Pillai is also a shape-changer and voyeur. At Pillai’s suggestion Rosie, Spider’s wife and a freelance philosopher with explosive views, is also recruited. At Rosie’s insistence their canine, Brother Dog, a cynic, joins as a silent participant. Spider has a problem with Brother Dog because he thinks Rosie is in love with him. As the Essay proceeds, Spider is sad to find several of his – outrageous – ideas are rejected by the collaborators. As a nonviolent person he decides to make his unhappiness known to them in an indirect manner: request them to take down a purported portion from his Last Will and Testament, relating to his funeral. He hopes this will make them feel repentant and change their minds in favor of incorporating his ideas in the Essay.
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T
hat evening, walking in the arecanut garden, listening to the squirrels screeching to each other, he came to a major decision. I must let my collaborators know that I’ve been traumatized by their incredible behavior. I do not wish to engage in polemics with them, but I shall reveal my feelings to them by a symbolic gesture.
His first idea was to renounce the world. But he realized that would take a long time because he would have to first determine where the world ended and he began or vice versa. Th other option was to stop living altogether. But his collaborators
might not notice it because like lots of people he too would look normal and fit though he was no more living. Then he hit upon a middle path. He would draw up his last will and testament and let them read it. Better, he would dictate it to them – perhaps Rosi will take it down – and they were going to get emotional listening to the moving words! And they would understand how they had pushed him to the very brink! In fact, he realized, he need not record the whole will which could take a few days of legal consultations, but only the portions related to his End, to make them understand how they had forced him to think of the End of his Days. It was going to hit them hard but he didn’t care, because the situation demanded a response from him! He wondered if he should put in a decoy End too. But he needed to consult Pillai about that. And that wasn’t possible under the present circumstances. He was going to spring a surprise on his collaborators.
Next morning, as soon as the collaborators had assembled, Spider stood up, cleared his throat and said in a voice drained of all emotion, ‘Dear members of this collaboration, taking the liberty of a fellow member, I would like to make a special request. I would like to draw up a few clauses of my Last Will and Testament with particular reference to the conduct of my funeral and present it before you. I request that you may kindly give me the benefit of your expert views on the points presented. I shall be very grateful if Madame would be kind enough to take them down.’
Rosi said she didn’t want to take down the points. Because if she became emotional while taking down Spider’s last wishes her hand was bound to shake with the result the writing would become illegible and they would have to do the whole thing all over again which was going to be taxing.
‘Instead,’ she said, ‘I request Mr. Pillai to do so.’
Pillai appeared overwhelmed. His eyes were wet when he said it was an unparalleled honour that he had been invited to take down the last wishes of a great maestro! It was going to be history!
Spider listened coldly to the sentiments of his collaborators. Haha! Wait till the cookie crumbles!
His face filled with awe, Pillais sat down and took pen in hand and awaited Spider’s words.
Spider walked to the window, stood looking out for a few moments, turned and
dictated:
‘My Final Wishes in Regard to the End of
My Days Interpretation of My Death
1. I request my near and dear ones to ensure that my death is not construed by the media as an indirect critique of the Establishment, leading to its denouncing me as a terrorist. That could create a major setback to my plans to go to heaven.
Plan B
2. In case of such an eventuality, please use Plan B: smuggle me into heaven. My wife or other dear ones who are willing to help me out can carry my atman as a shoulder bag when it is time for them to go to heaven. It’s very simple. Tie my atman’s hands and feet together and that becomes the strap of the bag. The rest is the body. But if God gets to know and throws me out, there’s a problem. I shall go round in the galactic soup for ever as a shoulder bag without a shoulder. Therefore remember to put a brand name on my atman so someone will pick me up when they catch sight of the brand.
Etiquette at Funeral
3. All mourners must weep copiously and sincerely.Those who cannot will be evicted. Whispered small talk and laughing under one’s breath are strictly prohibited. Those found indulging in such unethical activities will be removed from the premises. While sobbing is permitted, noisy emptying of the nose into kerchiefs is banned. Yawning must be of a modest and unassuming nature. Those who nod off will be severely reprimanded. If they persist they will be handed over to the police.
The Body
4. My dead body under display must look better than the one that was alive. If there is a problem in achieving this benchmark, a replica may be used.
Viewing the Body
5. My body will be displayed in a special glass coffin with a dark interior. It will light up and make me visible for five seconds when a mourner drops a coin into a slot. For a longer view she/he must drop more coins. There will be no money-back in the event of the mourner not liking what she/he sees or the coffin not lighting up, or, for that matter, under any circumstance. Please note there is no money-back on the tickets for viewing the remains of comrade Mao and comrade Lenin – under any circumstance.
Epitaph
6. Please display the following epitaph on my memorial in prominent letters :
Less luggage
More comfort
Make travel
A pleasure.
This profound observation on Life came to my mind suddenly one day. I have been keeping it for an appropriate occasion such as the present one. Please ensure it is credited to me when displayed on the memorial.’
Spider looked around to see if Brother was present. His chores seemed to have called him away.
He continued, ‘What I have to say now unfortunately relates to a member of our fraternity who is not present here. It reflects my unfortunate differences of opinion with him.’
He dictated the new clause:
Concerning a Particular Mourner
7. I explicitly ban any public mourning by Brother as it is sure to divert the attention of other mourners. No doubt he will want to mourn, to show off his theatrical talents. For my wife’s sake, he may be permitted come in and do the following: (a) wag his tail twice up and twice down (b) once to the left and once to the right (c) look up at the ceiling and let out one moan of a duration of four seconds. Immediately he should be led out so that he doesn’t have the opportunity to make a scene.
Body Disposal
8. After the mourning my body is to be donated for medical use, but only in small portions because I’m a shy man. I do not wish the whole of me to be displayed in an anatomy department with no cover for my gender.
9. My gender portions are to be utilised for experimental or research purposes only. However if there is an eminently suitable candidate, transplant can be considered. I shall of course need to scrutinize the CV of the recipient, she or he.’
Spider finished the dictation and said, ‘Thank you collaborators for your kind cooperation. I now await your candid comments.’
He felt as if a heavy weight was off his chest. I don’t care if it’s going to hit them below the belt! But I too have a right to a level playing ground!
Pillai seemed to be in the grip of powerful emotions. His lips quivered and eyes were red.
Rosi was in a somber mood, with her gaze fixed on the cloudy sky out of the window.
Spider now requested his collaborators to be good enough to give their critiques, suggestions, comments on the draft he had presented.
Rosi was the first to speak. She said the document sounded reasonable except for the part related to Brother which could have been avoided considering how he had had a change of heart. The other clauses seemed more than sufficient to meet the eventualities visualized. New eventualities, as and when they appeared , could of course be incorporated if not till the very End but nearly till there.
Spider was shocked. Is this what we want! Don’t my burning words hurt at all!
He now requested Pillai for his assessment of the draft. Oh, I hope he’s better than Rosi!
It took Pillai a few moments to get his emotions under control. Then he wiped his eyes, blew his nose and said the document Sir dictated was direct and succinct and carried a timely message for humanity in regard to the model conduct of funerals and the disposal of the dead body for public benefit. It also referred to the media’s role in interpreting deaths. Sir also presented an alternative method of entering heaven in case of a glitch. Of course, he was sure that being a compassionate soul Sir would eventually give more credence to Brother and embrace him as a friend. As it stood, the draft was a masterly example of the thinking and writing that made Sir a celebrity and it will go down in history as such.
Rosi asked Pillai if, according to him, the draft was fiction or non-fiction. Pillai appeared to be at a loss for words. He could only mumble, ‘Er..’
Spider was horrified. Oh, why are they not coming to the point! Don’t they feel guilty! Don’t they feel repentant! Don’t they wish the earth swallowed them just now! Confess now!
But the two collaborators were attending to some corrections in the Essay.
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Paul Zacharia is the author of more than 50 books ranging across literary genres including screenplays, recognized and awarded for his contribution to Malayalam literature. A Secret History of Compassion is his first novel and in English.
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